Conflict and Opinion - Why we will never all just get along.

Rodney King asked 'why can't we all just get along' but he never got his answer.  And, while there is no one size fits all answer to the issue of conflict and its resolution we can be guaranteed it will always exist.

So, if conflict is a constant in our world, how do we get along despite it?  This is the topic for today's podcast!

I have been thinking more about this in the wake of what has been happening on college campuses here in the U.S.  This article about the defense of Free Speech from college professors describes some of their challenges.

I am sure you too have thought about it as videos abound of students protesting their rights to their opinions but no one else does so they can feel protected.

Contrasting our right to speak freely is the other trend occurring - freedom of religion and its practices.

No one who is politically correct wants to say the words radical and Islam in the same sentence.  Yet the terrorism that is being displayed is exactly a radical opinion that is in conflict with the belief of others and their religions.

All laced with the irony that those who do the worst often practice their religion in the least.

Which brings me to today's point.

What do we do when we disagree with someone?  How will we all get along when some can't use their words or control their tempers and actions?

The only thing we have control over is our selves.  That part is clear.  What isn't is how do we respond when the other disagrees, has a temper tantrum, or tries to blow us up?

I had a few thoughts for us to consider.

Start from the place that you are dealing with a two year old.  Why?  Because anyone who can't handle conflict is acting from about that level of emotional maturity and isn't going to make decisions that keep either of you safe.

Humans develop identity at around two years of age.  Parents will experience their child starting to say "NO" just to see what they can and can't say no to.

If the parent doesn't start teaching the child about boundaries, cause and effect, and how to deal with feelings of frustration we end up with spoiled college protesters and radical bombers.

Which leads to what do we actually do?

If YOU have a strong reaction of intense rage because someone doesn't agree with you, then the place to start is you and not the other.  Maturity means someone can disagree and you don't lose your own identity because you fear someone has a different view in life.

If the other person is having a fit, you can sort out a bit more.

Is anyone in actual danger or just feelings being hurt?

Is this a time to let the other experience the effect of their cause - such as fire burns, words can get you fired, and feelings on fire does not equal you being right just because you think you are.

Is this a time to teach boundaries?  Conflict resolution does not equal doormat.  Nor does the idea of turning the other cheek.  Like a two year old, sometimes we need to hear the word no.

Is violence about to happen?  Conflict that goes violent means someone needs to be calm during the storm.  Can You?  The other person being violent sometimes means you need to step up and other times it means you need to step back.

What I do know is if you are reacting from a place of fear and insecurity the decision you make isn't going to be much better then the one the other is making.

And sometimes you let the other person 'win' so to speak.

The need to be right at any cost is as much a danger as is the true believer - who is really just someone who needs to be right at any cost.

If we never let a two year old win, that child will only be learning that they are a failure and may learn to cope by growing up without skills to both manage conflict and also be a good winner.

We need multiple skills to manage and resolve conflict.  Guns aren't always the answer.  Words don't always work.  Walking away only works sometimes.  But being mature enough to not react to the other is the constant to keeping any situation from having a worse case scenario outcome.

Today, observe your self when someone disagrees with you.  What happens?  Does your temper flare?  Do you need to correct the other or make your opinion CLEAR.  Can you listen without interrupting and getting louder and more upset?

Seek first to understand the other is important advice.  Seeking first to BE understood rarely works.

Getting along with others is one of the #1 survival skills all of us need.  It is also one of the most lacking.

Going at life alone sounds nice, but only works as long as someone else is doing the getting along so you can go alone. 

Today is as a good a day as any to think about who you are and conflict.  There is no shortage of news stories about what doesn't work, for you what will?

---